My Speech

Note: This was my working draft, so there are plenty of errors and problems with tenses changing. Dad: please accept this. (also edit language for grandma, please.)

Story of Thanksgiving, as told by Aaron Andrews.

There are many great things about being an American. They are mostly in theoretical idea form, unpracticed in day-to-day life. But sometimes an idea occurs in real life that deserves merit and remeberance. They become celebrated as a holiday. Most of these days recognize a miserable, terrible event that occurred, with America coming out on top, 'cause we kick major ass and the American people able to continue in the pursuit of freedom, happiness, and the "American Way" of life. But sometimes, the day is remembered for the fact that is was a notable day; that people came together, like us, to celebrate life and friendship. These are the things I feel many lack in our daily lives, so I am delighted, and honored that y'all could make it to my most favorite of holidays: Thanksgiving.
This speech is designed to inform the great peoples of where ever you're from, where Thanksgiving is non-exhistent and/or lacking, such as Canada, of this "sweet-as" holiday's history. Due to the importance of this tale, I decided that it would be best to tell this story based on my memories from what I learned in school. I had to think back to the first grade for this one- we start young on creating historians in America. Another great example of why we're on top....
So here we go: This is a tale of two peoples, the Pilgrims and the Native peoples of North Eastern America, or for our purposes, Indians. I have no idea what tribe. That was never taught, but more on them later. We start with the Pilgrims. They are English, and Puritans, and are basically so religiously crazy, they get kicked out of England (another not taught fact!) and they go to live in a new land. Can anybody guess?
That's right, they naturally go to the Netherlands, because everyone knows that if you want a conservative nation that fears God, you go to Amsterdam. Great museums I've heard.....Anyways, they quickly realize that Holland isn't a god-fearing place, and that it's full of potheads and prostitutes or something. And they miss Blackpool and the BBC. Not really, but the bottom line is that the Netherlands doesn't want them, and they don't want it.
So they decide to build a boat called the Mayflower and sail to a newly found place, America. It was claimed mostly by the English, as a colony. It was December 11th, 1620 when they arrived, and as a side note they'd intended to go to Virginia's Jamestown, but they weren't the best sailors really, and ended up 1300 Kilometers away from there, to a place outside of Boston, Massachusetts on a rock. This rock is a very important New England historical land mark. It's named Plymouth rock. The only reason I can guess is this group of religious wackos were originally from Plymouth in England.
They build a crappy group of shacks, and they were horrible at wilderness survival. They came un-prepared and un-equiped. They had no animals, and little food. 46 of the original 102 people died during the harsh New England winter.

This is where I introduce to you the other people of our tale: the Indians. Like I mentioned before, I have no idea what tribe they were, and really I don't think ANYBODY knows that one. There is really not much to be said about them from the 1st grade point of view, and their tale is not often told with accurate details; like most indigenous peoples who get invaded by the white Europeans. Anyways, the next summer, the Indians emerged from their caves, or where ever they lived with central heating during the coldest months the next summer to see this pathetic band of whiteys barely keeping on. They took pity on them, and taught them how to grow crops, where to fish, and how to play baseball. In exchange, the Pilgrims taught them how to build casinos and steal retired people's pensions. And god.
So it was such a fun summer, with all the no limit Texas-Hold 'Em Poker, and the endless singing of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game!" (Morgan will perform this later) that at the end of fall, when all was gathered that they had a big-ass feast. Turkeys are the tradtional center piece of this holiday, and were most likely, I reapeat, MOST LIKELY eaten at the 1st dinner. Pumpkin was eaten as well, but not pie, because the Pilgrims eaten all their flour straight out of the bag when they were going mad in the cold. They had lobster, corn, fish, Moro Gold Bars and L&P soda too.
Basically, Thanksgiving didn't catch on totally and regularly until one woman's 40-year obsession with creating this holiday was declared by President Abraham Lincoln in the 1860's, That part is totally true. She was her day's version of Martha Stewart.
And so there you go, the completely accurate and historical version of the greatest of American holidays, Thanksgiving. Think of it as Christmas without the presents or the birthday cake. And if it had fireworks, it would become a super holiday, known as literally, "the greatest fucking holiday in the world!" Anyways you translate it, even in Swedish, that rocks. Hard.

So lets drink: To Us, to Them, and to friendship!