FOURTEEN PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE APPETIZERS

From the New Yorker issue pictured below:
FOURTEEN PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE APPETIZERS by Yoni Brenner

1. Top thick slices of country bread with fresh goat cheese. Sprinkle with herbs and bake until crusty; serve to everyone but Jeff.
2. Vegetarian friends? Try veggie rumaki: wrap a strip of imitation bacon around a water chestnut, spear with a toothpick, and broil—but instead of imitation bacon use real bacon, and instead of a water chestnut use veal.
3. Steal Cheryl’s famous potato-salad recipe. When Cheryl asks, “Why did you steal my recipe?,” say, “I don’t know, Cheryl, why did you break my heart?” Then laugh so she knows you’re just kidding.
4. Blend fresh crabmeat with diced avocado, scallions, and a dollop of mayonnaise for a canapé topping so delicious that it will take your guests a full minute to realize that they’re eating it off dog biscuits. Once they catch on, act mortified and stammer that you must have “mixed up the boxes,” until everyone calms down. Then start crying because the biscuits remind you that today marks exactly eight weeks since you had to put down Buster, and you just miss him so much.
5. Tell Marissa that you appreciate her concern, but in the two years since Cheryl broke off the engagement you’ve grown up a lot, and you’re really in a much healthier place now. Then say, “Speaking of fiancés, how’s Peter’s alcoholism?” (Note: This is not technically an appetizer.)
6. For a taste of the U.K., fry up mini-servings of fish-and-chips. Take it to the next level by wrapping them in small pieces of newspaper, which, oddly enough, all seem to be printed with unfavorable reviews of Jeff ’s novel.
7. Have you ever noticed how sun-dried tomatoes and top-grade peyote look exactly the same? Not a suggestion, really. Just saying.
8. Another one for the vegetarians. If they think they like tofu, wait until they sample your delicious mock tofu—all you need is chicken fat, puréed pork loin, and five cups of piping-hot tallow. Cheryl will never know the difference.
9. Tempura makes great finger food, and the batter locks the flavor of just about anything in a savory, opaque crust. Impress your friends with creative choices, from squash blossoms to mislaid car keys to the two-carat engagement ring that Cheryl gave back to you after she “reassessed things.” Surprise!
10. Guests getting antsy? Head them off with a big bowl of steamed mussels. No one can resist mussels, not even emotionally stunted ex-fiancées and their new poorly-received-novelist boyfriends. Besides, disappearing into the kitchen will give you a chance to collect your thoughts and also to go slash Jeff ’s tires.
11. Homemade sugared almonds make the perfect sendoff, sure to please all your guests, even the ones who would be bludgeoning you with a tire iron if Peter weren’t standing between you. Good old Peter. He may not be the brightest or the handsomest person, but he’s very large.
12. As the party disperses, your guests might seem a little ungrateful, calling you an obsessive sociopath or pelting you with sugared almonds. Don’t worry, it’s probably the peyote talking. Just stand on the porch as their cars pull out, your eyes brimming with tears, and shout, “You know, I try, I really do . . .”
13. Add, “My dog died! He died! And he’s never coming back!”
14. Hepatitis! (Note: This is not technically an appetizer.) ♦

Terrorists Fist Jabbing in my Room!

I just got the infamous issue in the mail! (For some reason the CPU won't save the flip of the backwards photo I took...)

Sweet Toast

I am currently eating cinnamon toast for breakfast, something which I haven't done since I lived at home probably.

Man, is it great!

Who else loves cinnamon toast, say YEAH!

(Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal is another matter entirely...)

Longest. All-Star Game. Ever.

The midsummer classic took nearly 5 hours, and didn't end until 1:40am.

It was the longest by time, and by innings-15.

It was incredible for the fact that each time one team got "so close you knew they were gonna score" close, the other pitcher somehow got out of the jam, or an infielder made some incredible throw.

I've never seen 2 perfect drag bunts in a row.

Look at the box score below, grabbed from my screen, they are literally the biggest, most complex ones ever.

A shout out to the Stadium; the only one it'll ever get from me.  I hate the Yankees....

Weekend Ramblings

Ahh...so what's the story in these parts these days....

Friday night I met the owner of Matterhorn/Mighty-Mighty/member of the band Eggs here in Seattle.  Apparently, he's an old friend of my step-sisters from college.  He married a girl from the Hutt, and live in Wellington now.  He's really cool.  I owe him one....

Saturday was a long one, but at the Empire stand in UW, I was in the zone.  I sold more ice cream than the other guys, and I was flying solo.  I even had a girl drop her number.  Actually, her friend did it for her, and there was another woman standing there who was beautiful.  When the utterly gorgeous woman remarked, "wow!  that's pretty amazing."  I replied, "It's just a theme for the day.  I'll take yours too."

She then laughed, and told me that I didn't want hers, since she was married and pregnant....

Sunday though was torture at Fremont.  I had to work so HARD to get people to TASTE ice cream, and it was really hot.  Really hot.  I got discouraged and hit rock bottom when I told a guy who wanted to know where he could get his son a sno-cone that "I wouldn't feed my kid a bunch of that corn syrup crap."  He then said, "Uhhh.....thanks...." and walked away.

We're done in Fremont.

And then I went out with this girl from work to see The Wes Jones Band at the Little Red Hen- I took Damon there to see em when he came to town. 

And tonight I just home from giving the 1st ever ice cream factory tour to these 2 regular customers- the girls who took me to eat amazing fruit.  And I received more too....

Now an evening run around the lake accompanied by This American Life.

More Miracles

Man, it's been a long day.  I had more miracle fruit- I was given some by the girl who gave me the tour of the greenhouse- and had a "tasting" at work.

I tried: Limes (again), pickles (again), blueberries, goat cheese, chocolate, hot sauce, vinegar, arugula, cheap tequila, garlic, mustard and anchovies.

The berries seemed to have lost some of their magic, as most everything tasting only slightly off.

But what did taste strange to me was the tomato-basil sorbet we made tonight.

Yowza!

Miracles and Miracles

It was a great weekend.  Busy though with the business, as we started our double market days, meaning I got to wake up earlier and end my day later!  Fun!  But I suppose more income is more income at this point....and I made good use of my "position" with the ladies.

You know I'm kinda conflicted in this: I finally have an easy way to talk to ANY GIRL I WANT TO, for essentially no reason- ok "do you want to try some ice cream?" is a reason.  But what's the line I cannot cross?  Are there ethics here?  Can I not press them for more info?  Say, like a number?  Is that greasy?

I might be a little greasy....

Also, I went to the Seattle Int'l Beer Fest Sat night with my friend Dragan (the one whom laughs like a hyena) and met some more ladies there, including one of the Seagals. (They weren't cheering, she was just there.)

And today I met 2 of the girls that are very good customers/biology grad students at the University's greenhouse to eat some miracle fruit.  They block all your sour and bitter taste receptors in your mouth, making sour and bitter things super sweet.  I ate half a lime, and it was like the best margarita I've ever had- super sweet and fresh.  I got some for an experiment at work tomorrow too- I'll be laying out a big tasting spread after doing some research tonight....I'm excited!

4th of July.

Happy 4th of July, belated.  Yesterday I returned from a brief and highly unsuccessful fishing expedition/worst meal of my life to smoke a pork shoulder in my brick box.

It was smoked for 5 hours, then wrapped up in foil with my smoked Mexican chile BBQ sauce and cooked for another hour.  It was then pulled, and mixed up with more sauce.

It was the best BBQ.  Ever.

I could win multiple blue ribbons, because of it's unconventional style and taste.  Some will remember my Blacked Jerk Pork with Sweet Carrot BBQ sauce, but not many, because of it's limited audience.  Some will experience it someday: meaning probably YOU!

I caught up with a few people via the phone, and the best thing ever:  My friend exclaimed, "I'm an independent woman!"  and her sister in the next room just thought she was talking to herself, not realizing she had picked up the phone.

Watched the fireworks over Lake Union and nearly blew everyone up with a failed double mortar attempt.  Sorry Anne.

Fly Me to the Moon

A recap of last weekend:
Drove the Dart via the ferry to Pt. Townsend. It was nice to stretch the cars legs like that. Just cruising. When I got to PT, I went for a run to the lighthouse at Ft. Warden state park, which is about 4 miles return. It was insanely hot! I hung out the rest of the evening, with the exception of the rehearsal. Twilight was spent on a deck at a bar called sirens 3 stories above the water watching the small ferry (a different one) and the seagulls. It was pleasant. Also, the groom, who never drinks, downed 4 shots in something like half an hour. None of it was my doing, I swear.
The wedding was a long day indeed. Very hot again, but I looked good in my tux. The ceremony was nice, short and full of tears for the parents.
The reception, in the shade of a big tent, was accompanied by a gypsy jazz band that was quite good. I even sang a song with them- fly me to the moon. It was my 1st time singing with a live band I think...
After the reception, me and a couple guys returned to Seattle, exhausted, but got super-hot Indian food. I like it when I tell the waiters I want it as hot as they eat it. They always smirk...

This week is crazy busy, as it's our 1st double-market day weekend. So we have lots of stuff to take care of, but I will, seemingly have the 4th mostly to do what I want. I love that.

And, finally, I came across this amazing wine description, from a fancy restaurant in Seattle's website:

"Scot's Wine of the Month
Summer is finally upon us. Let's hope it's not a passing fling. Summer love is in the air and the Seattle-layers are coming off; Beware of the ghostly skin that has yet to see the sun in months. I've finally found my favorite shades, lotion and I am headed to the beach with a bottle of rosé. Domaine Ott's, Les Domaniers is priced right and is perfect for those hot summer afternoons and romantic evenings. It's soft and supple with hints of flowers of Provence and ripe strawberries. Slide the cork out and let the juice flow. The aroma is intoxicating and reminds one of young innocent love. The color is pale pink and not unlike seductive skin that has been veiled from the sun. There is a touch of wet stone and mineral…similar to humid air drench with the mist of crashing waves. This rosé is a clean and refreshing compliment to the thick provocative musk of bodies that have been baking in the hot afternoon sun. Les Domanier's Rosé is dry and great for inviting temptation. Women love it. It's perfect with Spot Prawns, Dungeness Crab and lush pink lips. As the sun sets and you are curled with your sweetheart take a moment to reflect how simply perfect life can be; Your girl, a beautiful sunset, a beach blanket, crashing waves, and of course a perfect bottle of Rosé by Les Domaniers."

It's Hot!

Back from the wedding. It was great, but I'm quite exhausted, so I'll write more later.

It's really hot. Too hot.
Oh, and she said yes.

Urusai Baka ro! (In a mean voice)

I've been waiting for this day a while:
It's one of my best friends, Trever Santora's Last Supper. He's getting married this weekend, and the guys are going out for a blow-out, no holds barred Sushi with a capital "S" dinner in a tatami room at Maneki.

I'm eating all of the restaurants yellowtail. They don't even know!

One might ask: Are there going to be strippers, hoochies or just general shenanigans going on?
No women planned, because I realized that there's those guys, and then there's us.
Games/Plans: Read the same thing above. We are so used to making up our own fun off the cuff that we're just gonna roll- with our shit off safety as they say...

I am planning on getting drunk and shouting like a Yakuza thug while wearing a Hanshin Tigers baseball club headband. The same one I'm wearing in this old picture. Trever is the one standing next to me, Aki below.


Yes, my shirt said "callipygian"

Genghis Khan Likes Butter

This last weekend had some good moments.
Fri PM, house party at my friend Kenji's house, drinking margaritas and meeting a real life Kazak! Yakemash!
Sat, a day at the market, using the van. Afterwards, my dad came up, my brother came over and we went to the pitch 'n putt at Greenlake. I played fine, considering I hadn't swung a golf club in a few years. We then went to a pub for dinner, then to another pub to play darts, where, in the 1st game of cricket, I won in 9 turns! It was amazing. We then went to a place I thought was going to be quiet to play some cribbage with those guys, but I instead ended up talking to 2 girls.
Best part of the conversation: When they mentioned the Genghis Khan movie coming up, I mention I loved a movie that came out about him in 1989: Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure.

Ta-Dow!

Sunday was again spent at the market, and the evening was spent cursing after I mowed the extension cord for the lawn mower.  That is why YOU GET A GAS ONE (to my landlord).

And last night, there was trouble at the ice cream factory when the batter Dustin made last week that didn't have any sugar in it got run unbeknownst to me, producing butter.

I then spent 45 minutes cleaning the machine out.  When I corrected the rest of the batter that I found sugarless, by adding more sugar into it, I ran it.

It made more butter.

Seriously.

Van-sanity. Ok, that's really pushing it....

Well, it's been a regular week for me, until the last few hours of running around dealing with our new van.
It started at 2:30, when I left work, fought to get a cab, and when I got one 15 minutes later, the driver said he didn't want to take me there- it was too far! I guess he didn't have time. Then from the repair shop to the emissions place, where it failed, but got an exemption. I then fought a sunny Friday's rush to the licensing office, and got it sorted out there.
Now I am waiting for a call back from the insurance broker so we can use it this weekend. And only a few minutes before the end of the business week.

What's a boy to do with a Friday evening?

Ramble On

We had an actually nice weekend weather wise here in Seattle. The 1st half of June had been the worst on record, with the local paper reporting that we were actually colder than Siberia!
But the sun came, we sold well (Unless we go home with nothing, I probably will never say we destroyed) selling out of all but 2 of our flavors.
Ahh...what else of note. Cooked a graduation dinner on Sat night for 350 kids. I've never seen such consumption of food. They ate everything!
And last night, I watched the NBA finals for the 1st time this year. I haven't even really seen any other NBA games this season, what with the no cable/tv antennae....which is probably a good thing!

Ice Cream Doings

It's been very low excitement round these parts.
We did make more ice cream than we ever have made this week, with the new machine. It was in one 8.5 hour shift of insanity!
And we got a used van, and I drove it around a bit.
It's sad to say that a '91 Dodge Van with a 6 cylinder engine is fast. But it is compared to my car (which has the pre-curser of the van's engine in it....)
Who can come up with a good custom plate?

Alone in the Wild

I will start by saying it's been a very hard week for me. I'm not writing about why it's been difficult, but I will write about my experience of trying to get some clarity.

I went camping, alone in as remote as a place I could get to. I went into the Cascades, and ended up halfway between Hwy 2 and I-90. I took my car, the Dart, down a 15 mile, pot-hole filled, gravel road. It took me nearly an hour to do so. There wasn't anyone else out there.
I fortunately have a friend who lives in "that general direction" who I had conferred with before going out. I think he was doing some recon for me, and he went out that direction in the morning before I went. He called, and said that I'd need waders to get into the lake I was going for. I could borrow some from him.
So with waders, and my pack, and bear spray, I left the trailhead and went into Forest Service land. First I crossed a 100 yard bog, then went through old growth forest, then (I just found out) I went the wrong way. I hit a river I had anticipated, and crossed it, downstream from where I should've been. I then couldn't find the trail. All there were were beavers and their pond. I figured that they'd come in and covered the trail. It was getting late in the day, and so I struck camp in a spot that had been camp for someone else before.
I was right on the river on a small peninsula, or rather, an isthmus. I pitched my tent, built a fire, had dinner, and it was 10:30 before I knew it. The stars came out. I was alone. Very alone.
I awoke this morning to the sound of rain, and due to the poor soil of said isthmus, my fly wasn't as tight as it could've been. I packed some things away wet, ate an energy bar, and crossed the river, getting up to nearly my waist. Back through the woods and to my car, getting to do that crazy drive again. I listened to my dad's new album on the ride back.
I felt I got some clarity I was looking for. It was nice to be able to think without distraction. I think that is rarely attained in our lives nowadays. It's a shame really...
Oh, yes, and no sasquatch sightings either!

Ice Cream Awesomeness

I was just trolling the web for news on Empire Ice Cream, and over at the Seattle Weekly, I found this.

"The Empire guys start with the the milk, no ice cream mix for them, and you can taste it in the goods."

Time & Enchiladas

So the long story short is this:

We made ice cream in 35 minutes.  What would've taken us an estimated 6 or 7 hours of time in the old machines took us 35 minutes.

If time equals money, we're r-i-c-h.

Aaron likey.  I also likey enchiladas.

Sorry Kiwis.

I had to get my phone's codes updated- the one I bought in NZ.  I called T-Mobile, and when I explained the story to the woman at customer "care," she said, "you lived in New Zealand?  ....You know I have no idea where that is.....it sounds like it's in Europe somewhere."

I was in disbelief. I told her it's in the South Pacific.  She replied, "Really?  I am so bad with geography."  No you're ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE.

I don't know which is worse, to be un-locatable or a dumb American- oh wait, I think I do.

True story.

Also, Dubya is col' chillin' these days.

Mi Vida Loca

So we got our new machine, but have yet to use it.  That's due to the fact it was actually delivered late, and then had to wait for the electrician.  And when it came time to make some ice cream, we only needed to do a small amount....so Tuesday night we'll be rockin' it.

It's been a good/busy/tiring last few days.

Fri: 12 hours of cooking at the club for the Copper River Salmon winemaker's dinner.  Then I drank too much champagne, and got little sleep.

Sat: Woke up feeling bad, for previously mentioned reasons.  Worked the U-District market, which is vary lame for us.  We're trying to change some things about that, but it's not in our hands ultimately.  I then went to the club to do inventory, and after that the Brazil vs Canada soccer friendly.  It was such a great game with Brazil's obvious talent, and Canada playing as well as they could (in fact they almost beat them!). 3-2 Brazil.  Then a big sushi dinner.  And a late to bed night.

Today: Woke up early, but feeling fine.  At the market at 9, and had a pretty good day, interviewing with a food critic for the P-I (paper).  Now I'm done, and am sitting here exhausted.  But I'm going for a run before I pass out!

Life is good.